Blog Post
Things you learn when you do a bit more reading than normal!
Kate Kardooni • Aug 13, 2023
Thoughts and observations from Lorraine Candy's book about Mums and their teenage daughters
For those people that know me well, I do like a bit of reading; it’s usually fiction, but every so often I stray into the realm of books that focus a little on what I do in my day job. I picked up a book recently called “Mum, what’s wrong with you? 101 things only mothers of teenage girls know” by Lorraine Candy. I’d seen Lorraine talking about her latest book on Steph’s Packed Lunch a few weeks back, and thought I’d check this one out first. What a revelation for a mum of a teenage girl, and as a friend to a number of mums with teenage girls too - the ups, the downs, the challenges and the joy all rolled into a book of about 300 pages.
Before I start, I would like to give a massive caveat here about my relationship with my own daughter… we have the usual ups and downs that all mums and daughters have, but I am immensely proud of the young lady she has become, and I certainly was not reading this book because I have lots of issues with this relationship; I was reading it to give me a few pointers of things that could happen and maybe there were some hints and tips I could use going forward to smooth things a bit more going forward for myself and others.
There were a number of areas that they book talked about and these are some of the key areas that came up for me while reading it
Your relationship
- Please remember that you are not meant to be their best friend – you are their Mum! You can have shared interests, you will love each other most of the time and probably spend a lot of time together doing fun things, but you are the parent. Sometimes, you may have to decide on things that in their eyes will be unfair and will make you unpopular, and this is the way it should work!
- Don’t forget that you will need to provide support and encouragement through issues like puberty and periods – do your research so you can support them as appropriate!
- Don’t go in and try and tidy up their room – they will not thank you for doing it, and they can regard it as a violation of privacy. If they want to live in a cesspit, and you don’t need to call the Health and Safety inspectors in too often, then let them be…! I have learned to step away now, and trust that at some point, there will be an attack of conscience and a clean up session will follow!
- Remember that they are entitled to their own privacy and secrets so don’t freak out about it, and unless the secrets have a dangerous undertone, be comfortable that it’s ok. On the other hand, if there is something underlying that you do get concerned about, try to tread carefully and fairly to ensure they feel safe and supported
- Be aware of your kids personalities – are they sensitive, resilient, quiet, loud dependent on the situation and adapt how you deal with them as a result
- If there is something awful that happens, don’t catastrophise. Think more about how you can support them than turn it into an even bigger issue. Do not at this point become a “helicopter” or “snow plough” parent and try and solve it yourself. Use empathy, and perhaps adopt the “Listen, Nudge” coaching style to get them to find their own solution rather than offer a solution of your own
- Don’t compare yourself to each other; they are their own person. There may be some things they do the same, but don’t encourage it, and don’t comment if they do something you do but not in the way you would do it
- Encourage your daughter to find her voice and speak out about things that matter to her. Be proud of her for this and don’t apologise for her – she can own her own opinions. Teenagers after all usually have a strong moral compass and powerful consciences, and you will want her to speak up for herself – that’s how we can help get more equality, right?
Communication
- When talking about issues that matter, try to talk side by side rather than face to face, as the latter can be a bit more combative in nature…. The best thing to do – go for a walk where you can be side by side very naturally (and get your step count up at the same time)
- ·Sometimes, when a discussion is going around in circles, it could be worthwhile to put a timeline on the discussion to create a boundary and acknowledgement that an issue needs to be resolved. 10 minutes for the discussion seems to be recommended, and maybe bring the ABC for arguments at this point: 1) Accept 2) Breathe 3) Choice
- Remember to ask questions rather than tell them what to do (this is what you would do when they were toddlers but they are now teenagers and have their own minds)
- Learn about active listening! It’s a really important technique – quieten the mind and take in what they are saying. Teenagers need to feel like they are being listened to so LISTEN; don’t interject and don’t try to problem solve. When listening to them, put your phone down so that you are not distracted and they feel like you genuinely are listening
- Be realistic about the size of a misdemeanour – there’s a reason why people say “don’t sweat the small stuff” as maybe the small things really do not matter. However, they do need to realise that larger misdemeanours will have significantly bigger consequences, and that’s how they will learn right and wrong
- Don’t be afraid to say “Let me think about it” if you are not sure about what you want to do. Give yourself the space to reflect
Rituals
- One thing which we have kept going all through the kids school lives is dinner time – Lorraine encourages keeping rituals going in their lives, and I think it can really help to bring an element of stability into their lives
- Practice gratitude or positive affirmations. You could also use dinner time to discuss happy memories or deliver positive affirmations from the day just gone
- Could you use music as a level playing field? Music can be a big element in many kids lives so take time to understand the types of music they are interested in and talk about it with them. I’ve had many a discussion about Harry Styles, and we both went to ABBA Voyage together which was fun!
- Think about how you can slow down and take time out together – we love nothing more than a Netflix Selling Sunset evening, and doing something like this, while not necessarily mega exciting gives us an opportunity to talk, laugh and enjoy time together
Remember that every day is different – sometimes we will do well, and sometimes we will do less well, and this is OK and all part of the learning curve we are always on! The worrying never stops, and you wouldn’t have it any other way, but remember that when they become teenagers, they can sometimes become mean-agers due to the situations and issues they have to deal with, and the best thing you can do is let them be sad, angry, hurt but let them know that you will help and support as needed. This is the time for them to discover their own identity and allow them the ability to grow and develop positively!
Thanks to Lorraine Candy for the great insights from your book. Afterwards, I read the one about me, rather than the teenage daughter; maybe i'll post some insights about that in a few weeks!
So my team got relegated… perspectives from my Coaching life
Resilience is one of the key buzzwords from the past couple of years
So, with most of my Coaching programmes, an individual will come to me because they are wanting or having to change something in their lives. This can be that they want to find a new career, job or role, they are having a baby or they need to reflect on how to deal with people or tasks more effectively within their current work environment. The list is endless, but one thing is for certain, they will all experience some or all of the emotions on the Transition Curve that I’m going to describe below. The Transition Curve, or Change Curve, is based on the findings of Kubler Ross. Kubler Ross reflected more on the stages of grief, and identified that you go through 5 distinct stages of grief : Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. In my work as a Parental Transition Coach, these stages have been adapted to reflect the emotions that you can go through during any significant transition, as noted above. The Change Curve is a very trusted and reliable tool that can be used to understand the stages where people are when they are going through a major or significant change in life., and how they adapt to the change that is taking place. The Transition Curve identifies that during any significant event or period of change, you may experience initially shock, excitement, confusion. The second stage brings in different emotions depending on the event such as uncertainty, denial, self doubt, even anger, with people thinking things won’t change, or that something is unfair. You will then travel down to a low point in the emotions, where you may feel frustrated or isolated, and this will then be the Turning Point in the transition. At this stage, you may need to reflect that you need to adapt to the change that has presented itself, and start trying to move forward. This can be an opportunity to try doing things differently, start asking for help more and think about how you manage things better in the future for yourself in particular. As you move forward, you will be looking forward to bigger and better things, and once you’ve worked through your own transition, you may actually be in a position to support others with their own transitions going forward. Understanding the different stages of personal change can help you make sense of perspectives and emotions that you and others may experience during a particularly challenging time in your life. Change can force you to re-evaluate your hopes, aspirations and beliefs as well as who you actually are. Being able to recognise that what you experience personally or professionally during a transition is part of the normal process of change can be helpful. To help manage yourself during a transition effectively and efficiently, it’s important to look for support and help from those around you, to seek opportunities to talk things through and focus more on the future. These can all play their part in helping you to prepare for and manage your new reality.
Photo Credit: Virtual Photography by NUX Photography #virtualphotography In late 2020, I attended a training course called The Daring Way facilitated by Roxanne Hobbs of The Hobbs Consultancy. On this course, I was joined by two fabulous ladies, and we shared our experiences via Zoom over these three days, covering elements from Brene Brown’s book “Daring Greatly”. We had such a great time over that 3 day course that we decided to get together in the same group for the follow up course “Dare to Lead” at the end of March 2021, which reflects on Brene’s findings from her book of the same name. It’s pretty intense over Zoom, as face to face training is too, but it also makes it more personal, and I found myself sharing a lot more experiences than I thought I would over the 3 days again. I thought I’d share with you all my key takeaways from the course, especially as I can now state that I am Dare to Lead trained. Brene’s books are based from a quote by Theodore Roosevelt where he describes “the man who is actually in the arena…. daring greatly”. From this, Brene founded what was at the Heart of Daring Leadership: • You cannot be courageous without rumbling with vulnerability • Self-awareness and self-love matter • Courage is contagious, and therefore we need to lose our armour and be brave She also identifies the four skill sets of courage as follows: • Rumbling with Vulnerability • Living into our values • Braving Trust • Learning to Rise The course focussed on understanding these 4 skill sets. A lot of time is spent on the first one, as this is the one that requires the most work to reflect and build upon. Whereas “The Daring Way” had looked at rumbling with vulnerability in a more personal way, “Dare To Lead” encourages more focus into the work arena. This gave me a fascinating insight into how I can reflect on when I am vulnerable during a work situation, and how I can be more open, honest and courageous in the future to help not only myself, but more importantly my clients. One area that really made me think was the ways that shame can show up in organisations – they were all words I’d either experienced myself in my former work roles, or had heard from clients, and it really did crystallise my thoughts as to what I could bring into my coaching going forward to support my clients more in this space. Shame is important to understand as it can prevent people from being brave and courageous. One really great tool we reflected on was whether your Leadership is more “Armoured” or “Daring”, by reading sentences, and deciding where you sit on the scale between the two. Reflecting on what potentially causes you to want to armour up and how you can work on this and become more Daring is really key. I am going to be looking at this further in the coming weeks. There was so much covered within the course that I could write 10,000 words but I think you might all switch off, so other key take aways are summarised as follows: • Square Squad: draw a 5cm x 5cm square and write the names of the people down who really matter to you. It’s trying to get you to be concise as possible • Values: This is an area that I feel is really important for everyone, and i work through these with my coaching clients a lot of the time. Brene reinforces this message during the course encouraging you to get to two values that define you – so what matters to you? • Understanding how to give better, more engaged feedback • Braving Trust: how clear is kind, and unclear is unkind. This part breaks down trust into seven elements – Boundaries, Reliability, Accountability, Vault, Integrity, Non-Judgement and Generosity. I’m looking forward to working with these elements in future coaching conversations. The time spent with my Dare to Lead colleagues was precious, challenging and enjoyable, and it was sad that our learning journey together has now come to an end. However, we will continue to dare greatly with support from each other. I am looking forward to putting the learning into practice over the next few months. In the meantime, I’m off to re-read Dare to Lead – it’s the least I can do after my recent learning journey.
So another week of chaos at Downing Street has unfolded with high profile exits of senior advisors etc, and as we watch political correspondents falling over themselves to give their own opinions, it made me wonder if there is an explanation related to the Myers Briggs Type Indicator that goes some way to explaining the chaos, so I did a little bit of research to help me understand better why things might have run the way they have in recent months with Boris at the helm. I checked a few different websites, and they all seemed to indicate that Boris Johnson is an ENTP type. As an ISFJ, he’s my complete opposite! What does this mean for what’s been going on recently? What are those typical characteristics? The different letters mean the following: • E = Extrovert (v I = Introversion) • N = Intuition (v S = Sensing) • T = Thinking (v F = Feeling) • P = Perceiving (v J = Judging) Looking at the above, the Extroversion element is probably not unexpected, as Boris seems to enjoy bouncing ideas off people rather than inwardly reflecting, especially if you watch him at the dispatch box. The Intuition element indicates that he prefers to look at the bigger picture and strategy, rather than the detail of what needs to be done. If we think about what he has promised during press conferences (i.e. the number of tests we would be doing at various stages etc)… he promises to deliver, but he then needs more people around him to get the detail done, and the plan delivered. On the Thinking part, this means his Head rules his Heart, and again, based on his interactions this is probably not surprising. Finally, for the Perceiving element, this indicates that he prefers to be more spontaneous and flexible than organise himself within a fixed plan. Well, that’s a Eureka moment, and probably explains why Brexit is still being negotiated as his personality type actually gets energised by last minute pressure, and why someone like me then panics as I like to work more methodically towards the deadline (and hence why a lot of the British population is also concerned, whereas Boris has the belief it will be done!) I think what’s really interesting with this type is how they deal with stress situations… this type can react by generating possibilities with no data or follow through, withdrawing and avoiding people, working harder but less effectively. They need to therefore spend a bit more time reflecting on what they need to do, talking to others to get support with problems (although they wouldn’t want to be offered a solution!), and bringing more organisation into their portfolio. In my previous work life, I often operated in a Chief of Staff role using my attention to detail and organisation skills to support the Team Lead. The Team Leads were often the opposite type to me, and a similar story to the above would have played out when working with them, without my intervention and work ethic. Therefore, my conclusion would be that Mr J needs to ensure he gets some more Sensing and Judging types within his new team in the coming weeks to help bring equilibrium of thoughts and deliverables going forward. Otherwise, we are going to continue seeing chaos reigning and being reported for a long time to come! And regardless of political persuasion, that’s not good for the country! If you are interested in finding out more about MBTI, please get in touch with me!
This week, I received the exciting news that I had passed my Accreditation upgrade with the Association for Coaching, and as a result, have moved from the Foundation Executive Coach level to Executive Coach level. A lot of work went into getting this upgrade signed off over the last few months, and some people may wonder whether it’s worth the effort, so I just thought I’d explain why I believe accreditation is so valuable. Coaching as a formal profession is a fairly new one in the world we live in today. Coaching will focus on unlocking a person's potential to maximise their own performance. It is about helping your clients to learn rather than teaching them. It is however a profession that in some respects is not heavily regulated, and has in recent years become a profession that people jump into when they would like to change career, and believe that their previous work experience alone can be used to sufficiently aid their transition into this field. When I was considering Coaching as a future career for myself back in 2013, there were lots of considerations that came into play as to how it aligned with my values, for example helping others, communication, authenticity, people contact. Before I proceeded, however, I also played to one of my strengths, and looked at the detail behind coaching to understand better what it entailed before making the financial commitment to attend some more formal training within the coaching arena. Having invested in my formal coach training qualification, it was also important for me, in line with my values of authenticity and expertise, to continue building my knowledge in the coaching arena, and as a result, I decided very early on that I needed to make that commitment, both to myself and my clients, to continue getting accredited as and when my qualification required renewal. Each level requires additional coaching hours and supervision hours, as well as a number of reflective practices designed to challenge the coach to think about how they operate well, and what perhaps they need to work on as well. It’s not an easy exercise to pull everything together, as you need provide logs of hours and continuing professional development, as well as getting your supervisor to reflect on their interactions with you. In addition, I had to provide a recording of a session, a number of reflective practice documents, and a personal assessment of my coaching style and approach. For someone who does not like to talk herself up, this was an interesting challenge! I spent a lot of time pulling all these different elements together over the course of a few weeks during Summer 2020, and submitted everything in August, and waited for the outcome. Now I have received my positive outcome, I am pleased and delighted to be able to call myself an AC Accredited Executive Coach, but really why does it matter? In whatever path you follow, I really do believe that you need to understand the importance of reviewing your professional development to continue to evolve yourself and your practice. The accreditation provides a formal route to do this and a formal recognition of what I have achieved to date. As you develop your own path, it’s important to ensure that you continue to feel challenged, and have enjoyment, interest and fulfilment in what you do. Undertaking a formal accreditation process such as the one I have been through recently enables me to review and understand better how I am developing as a Coach. I learned a lot from this process, and while the next cycle will again fill me with dread again when I do it in 3 years time, it is a great process to go through to think about where I have got to in my career and practice. The accreditation review provided me with some great acknowledgement of what I have done to date as well as some areas to work on going forward. In conclusion, accreditation matters as it provides a recognition of the quality of the coaching practice I undertake so that my clients can feel sufficiently comfortable and confident that I am supporting them in the best way that I can, and for me, this is really important as I continue to develop my practice.
It’s Day 1 of National Lockdown 2 in England. There’s also the small matter of a contested election result in the USA…. How do you view these events as they unfold? Do they cause you stress, anxiety, sadness, concern? However, what can you actually do to influence them? That’s where reflecting on the circles of influence and concern , you can understand better what you can control which is key to giving you a different perspective on the situation. The concepts of Circles of Influence and Concern were brought to the world via Stephen Covey in his book the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. The two circles can be described as follows: Circle of Concern comprise things we are concerned about but we have little or no control over as they are outside your influence, i.e. Covid-19, Global Warming, Election results. Circle of Influence comprises things that concern you that you can do something about, and to a certain extent control, i.e. exercise, reading etc On the picture, the white circle is the Circle of Influence, and the blue circle is the Circle of Concern, and there are examples of the sort of things that would fall into each circle. Situations such as Covid -19 will predominantly sit in the Circle of Concern, i.e. the media reporting, how people are behaving, the disease spread itself. You feel concerned about these, but there is not much you can do to influence them. However, we can influence how we personally deal with the situation, and some of the ways of doing this are as follows: Being mindful of your own social distancing, and not putting others in danger if you think you may be infected, essentially being responsible Think about what social media you share – confirm its validity beforehand, especially if it is something that may make people feel vulnerable Try to be a more calming influence with people, and keep yourself with a positive mindset. Be supportive of work colleagues, clients, friends and family Keep focussed on what you need to do both from a work perspective, as well as personally, so that you continue to deliver. You need to be resilient and focussed during times like these, and you can influence that, even if you can’t influence the external effect that something such as Covid 19 might have on your business. The two circles can contract or expand dependent on how you as an individual decides to focus and cope with the situation you are dealing with. If you take more personal responsibility to manage the situation that you can control yourself, you can expand that circle of influence, and with it, create more positivity around you i.e. I can say to myself “I can’t control the National Lockdown, but I can write some blogs for my clients to help them through this phase, as that may help some people”, and this expands my circle of influence, and makes me feel happier. In contrast, if I spend too much time worrying about the US Election Result, and what it means for the future of the country and its citizens i.e. civil unrest etc, my mind might go into panic mode, and expand that circle of concern such that I lose focus and use too much thinking time on that, rather than thinking about the things that matter to me more i.e. friends, family etc An interesting reflection at this point would potentially be around the Black Lives Matter movement to understand how something can span both circles potentially. Initially, people may well have placed this into their Circle of Concern, but in recent months, people have potentially been able to shift part of this arena into the Circle of Influence by protesting, writing more openly about it on their social media etc. It’s useful to look at the Circle of Influence and the Circle of Concern if you are feeling particularly stressed, anxious or vulnerable about something that is outside of your control. If you overly focus on the elements within the Circle of Concern, this can lead to you potentially allowing what’s in that circle to control you, and dominate your thinking and your life. If you instead can focus on the elements within the Circle of Influence, you become more free and able to manage your own destiny more. We all have fears, concerns and anxieties, and that is OK, but understanding how to channel your time and focus better to help you navigate these situations really is key for you in the future. Good luck!
