The Art of a True Apology

As many of you are aware, I recently attended a facilitated course based on Brene Brown’s book “Daring Greatly”, called “The Daring Way”. I have taken such a lot from this course, and one thing in particular is that it’s given me an appetite to learn more about her research and subjects that sit on the periphery of her findings around shame, vulnerability and empathy. I have downloaded Brene’s podcasts called “Unlocking Us!” and back in May 2020, she ran through a two parter called “I’m Sorry: How To Apologize & Why It Matters” where she talked with renowned psychologist and bestselling author Dr. Harriet Lerner about how to say those two difficult words “I’m Sorry!”.      

You may wonder why a Business and Executive Coach is talking about apologies, but what resonated with me as I listened to these as I was out running is that, as Brene says, people seem to have been apologising a lot more while we have been in lockdown, and I really agree with that observation. However, if you are saying those two little words, it’s so important that you really mean it! The main premise of the podcast was for them to discuss role play apology scenarios to enable the listener to understand how you could apologise more effectively. In my role, I have recently heard about lots of work situations where the tensions of dealing with working remotely for example have caused unexpected conflict, and therefore understanding how to apologise in a good way so that you can move on together in a work context… and maybe you can translate tis into your home life too! 

Dr Lerner identifies that there are 9 Essential Ingredients to a True Apology… these include: 

• Don’t include a “but”, as this means you are trying to justify what you said

• Not asking the hurt party to do anything, even forgive, and that is essential for the apology to be validated

• Accepting responsibility for any mistakes made

• Aiming not to blame nor shame

I’ve attached the full list of Essential Ingredients so you can take a look at them in more detail.  

There were a couple of key elements that I took from the discussions, apart from the Essential Ingredient list:  

• When you receive an apology that is whole hearted, it can help you feel safe, enable you to let go more easily and help to re-establish the relationship.  

• You have to accept that sometimes you are not going to receive an apology, and that says more about the individual’s own self worth than anything about yourself. Sometimes it’s better to accept that you won’t receive an apology than to receive one that is not fully intentioned! 

• The power of listening is just as important as the power of understanding. This is particularly important if someone comes to you to discuss a situation that is troubling them that they feel you are involved with. It’s important to listen well, rather than become defensive which is our typical human reaction. In such a situation, we need to invest in improving our listening skills as much as we do our talking skills, as this could improve how we interact in situations such as these.  

This was a fantastic “masterclass” in the art of the apology, and has left me wanting to know more about Dr Lerner’s work. I’ll leave you with this quote:  

“If only our passion to understand others were as great as our passion to be understood. Were this so, all our apologies would be truly meaningful and healing”.  

If we take this on our journey as we navigate the challenges ahead, and say those two important words, “I’m Sorry” in a whole hearted way, both you and they will feel more complete.